A change.

Every girl is going to love a guy who will never love them back and as she sits there crying because he will never want her, she doesn’t realize that across town there’s a boy thinking of her. A boy who would give anything to see her smile, make her laugh, or kiss her in the rain. A boy who would never make her cry because he doesn’t want her. But she will forever be chasing the boy who will never love her, instead of giving her heart to the one who deserves it. – Nishant Gunjan

I promised myself I’d never go down this path again. And look where I am 10 years later. The same familiar path I was stuck on a decade ago.

The old me was a prick. He put himself before others and was selfish. Greedy. Made fun of the poor. Pointed and laughed at beggars. He was the guy who got a rise by seeing those less fortunate. He was severely damaged by his loneliness and the scars of past relationships. He had fallen truly in love only once. And the girl broke his heart over and over and string him around, only to say he was too “morbidly obese” to deserve her love.

Those words. THOSE WORDS. Those words made him give up on the female species. They were all hoes, whores, sluts, cunts, cum dumpsters, bitches, and gypsies. He lived Bros before Hoes and it showed.

With his anger came determination. He scored a nice job and a new car. He had a generous bank account and stock options. He ate and ate and ate and didn’t give a fuck. He dined well. He ate well. He gambled for fun and he didn’t care.

And at the end of the day, he was alone. He was depressed. He was sad, angry, and miserable.

Since then he has lost that nice job, that new car, and his bank account has pennies.

He met a girl who was kind to him. She liked what he liked. They bonded. Became great friends. Hung out often and made each other laugh.

He went down that path again. For the second time, has fallen in love. And for the second time, he can’t have her.

He is at a loss. He fears that he is going to repeat the cycle. His health is no longer as it once was and he fears dying in his sleep.

He also thinks death could set him free. Free from his unhealthy body, free from no money, free from being in love.

But deep down he knows that’s not what he wants.

There are far more worse things out there. He could be in a worse scenario. But he’s afraid of the hard work it is going to take to get him where he wants to be.

She pushes him. She is not like the first. She doesn’t degrade him. She doesn’t mock him. She doesn’t make fun of him.

But she also doesn’t love him. And it kills him inside. Sometimes it feels like the walls are closing in. When he thinks of her with another, he drives himself nearly mad. Anything to put his mind off of the subject he will do. He knows he can’t force her.

He also knows he can’t give up. He has to fight for what he wants. And it’s her. He knows it. He feels it. As you feel the sunlight warm your skin on a sunny spring day, so is the feeling he feels when he is with her. And the intensity of it when he isn’t with her.

It’s a disease that has no foreseeable cure.

And the crazy thing is, he isn’t looking for a cure.

He would rather be wrapped up in all of her. His love for her is as vibrant as the colors of a beautiful butterfly.

And it’s bittersweet.

Stuck.

Image

I love me, I love me enough for the both of us
That’s why you trust me, I know you been through more than most of us
So what are you? What are you, what are you so afraid of?
Darling you, you give but you cannot take love…

They say if you love something, you let it go. And it’s only now that I’ve realized how true of a statement that is. I am so madly in love with her that it’s nearly unbearable. And, as luck would have it, she does not feel the same. Story of my fucking life.

So I have to do what I must, and that is move on.

I don’t know what she wants, and I don’t think she knows either. I know she cherishes me as her best friend, and even has considered living with me, but I continually ask myself if I can handle that. And at the moment I am unsure if I can. I don’t know how I would feel seeing her bring home another guy into our apartment.

I am just so confused and so unsure right now. On the plus I’d get to live with the girl I love, but what good is that if I can’t call her mine? Am I being too hopeful in thinking if she lived with me, she’d change her mind? The risk is all too high.

Until then, I’ll just sit back and think. Think long and think hard.

Getting the most out of life.

I am thankful our paths crossed and am honored to be a part of your life.

I am far from perfect, I have many flaws, and am still living dependently. You would think I would have a lot to be depressed about, due to the fact that the economy crashed right as I graduated high school, never finished college past one semester, and that my health has seen better days.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

As much as I wish I had my own home at almost 25, I see it as a blessing that I have a place to stay at all. Life hasn’t been easy, but it has been interesting, and for the most part fun.

I have shifted my priorities in life, as well as the people in it. Those who I once held as the absolute, most important, are now in the backseat, replaced by those who really are close to my heart. Certain actions from certain people have caused the dramatic shift, and in the end, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I trust you above all.

Got a tattoo. Definitely want more now. People were right; once you get one, you’ll want more. And the process was not nearly as painful as the way people exaggerate it to be. Tattoos are sexy, personal, and define who you are and what you represent.

You define the term.

Hoping for a big work week, and I think we will have one. Relaxing weekends with extra cash are always a plus. I also plan to update this blog more, but don’t hold me to it.

I guess that’s all for now. All that I can think of anyway.

No matter how my day is going, you always seem to brighten it.

The World Through My Eyes

thoughts on life ♥

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